i’ve posted this blog in almost every social networking site i have (except for friendster & twitter). for the sake of completeness, as i want to make my tumbler account THE official blogging site, i’m posting this ancient piece of literary junk in my dashboard.

enjoy the cheesiness!

swoon. <3

To the man who sits at the farthest cubicle on the fourth floor,

I wrote to call your attention regarding your distressing behavior for the past couple of weeks. I would like to emphasize that your recent gestures have been utterly disturbing, and it has caused some brow-raising reactions that seem inappropriate in the corporate setting. I am aware that any nuisance caused by a co-employee should be referred directly to the human resources, but I prefer to settle this with you directly, unless you want to be the day’s topic of discussion during lunch at the cafeteria.

You may not be aware of it, but you have summoned both heaven and hell the day you came into this office. Your presence in this company has indeed shaken my senses, cramped up my nerves and altered my mental course. What used to be a simple, normal working day is now an endless battle, an emotional struggle that I have to bear with almost everyday, from 8-5, and more often beyond…

I almost fainted the moment you suddenly appeared behind me, handing me some papers while flashing your most brilliant smile. For a moment I felt my blood pressure shoot high enough to break the blood pressure kit into pieces. After regaining my composure, I somehow still wished I really fainted, and wondered if you’d voluntarily give me a CPR.

I always get the chills everytime you discuss your reports to me while I stare in front of my monitor. I don’t know if you intently like to say things near my ear, to make sure I have clearly heard every word you said. But despite the proximity of your mouth to my earlobe, I still find myself dumbfounded, for the feel of your breath at the back of my neck sends a sweet tingle down my spine. And if processing your inputs isn’t hard enough, saying something that makes sense (at the very least) is a lot harder. For not only is my mind foggy at the moment, but talking to you makes me choke like inhaling a second hand smoke from my dragon-breath seatmate.

If only I could place my face on top of the photocopying machine everytime this happens, so I could see how odd my expressions are whenever you’re around, to keep a record of those wacky, stupid, unpredictable moments, but are nevertheless priceless.

I admit that I am now on the verge of turning into a green-eyed monster, thanks to that flashy girl who wears micro-mini-skirts as uniforms. I hope the way you smile and talk every time you approach her is just a friendly gesture, and is very much the same as the way you greet every female employee in this company. Oh, don’t worry, I’m not bothered with her fuller breasts. At least I’m confident that my brain is a lot bigger than her boobs.

Your command over me does not end when the bundy clock strikes five. Unfortunately, it diligently works overtime as well. You give me more sleepless nights than a barrel of pure espresso – as if caffeine is already running into my bloodstream. You make my senses drunk like a case of Colt 45 and Red Horse combined. You clog my arteries more than an everyday serving of lechon de leche that we always have during company outings. And sometimes, random thoughts of you make me numb as if I have been shot with a tranquilizer. All of these sensations make my mental barometer go deep down low, as if it has a mind of its own and is set to conquer the Marianas Trench.

Yes, you are my personal opium, my very own drug that sends me into an ecstasy, but also has the power to make me sober whenever I am faced with the painful truth that your presence in my life is more like a void that can never be filled…

So with you around, I think I’ll be using my health card more often.

Now that I have presented all these details to you, I hope we will be able to come up with an amenable solution. Not something quick-fix, but permanent and long-term. I know this is my own personal burden, but we can be both perfectly certain that you can do a lot to resolve this. I would be very glad to hear your feedback and suggestions. How about coffee after work tomorrow? I’m sure your boss wouldn’t notice you slipping off at 5:01. He would still be busy updating his Facebook by then.

Thanks for taking time to read this letter. I’ll shoot an email to your boss and remark how great your interpersonal skills are - he might as well add that up to your PA.

Well, have to end this now. My boyfriend is waiting in the parking lot to fetch me.

Have a nice day.


Regards,